I had a reader contact me a couple weeks back and requested I write a post about how to mend a broken heart. I was hesitant at first, because it meant I would have to get a little vulnerable, but here we are.
I compare the pain of a break-up to a bad fall off a razor scooter. You are full of elation, barreling down a hill at what feels like wind throttling speeds.
Suddenly, the shitty front wheel of your razor scooter gets caught on a rock — all in one motion, the sharp edge of the scooter karate chops your left ankle and you go flying through the air.
While you are midair, everything is moving in slow motion, you resemble something of a squirrel falling from a power-line after a bad misstep.
Finally, you hit the ground palms first against the pavement, scraping them bloody. Your right knee has 1 or 12 tiny rocks lodged in it and you let out a blood-curdling scream.
You throw your scooter in a rage, run home to your mother, who knows exactly what to do.
Side Note: Next time you get pissed at Momma, remember that she has nursed all of your childhood injuries and has been there after every single break-up. When we fall in love we tend to forget about the most important people in our lives, our parents. Remember, they will never break-up with you.
10 Steps to Getting Over a Break Up
1. Throw a Tantrum --
No, for real, throw a tantrum. Cry, scream & shout. Feel everything for a night, a few days, a couple weeks, a month. Whoever it was that broke your heart was obviously incredibly important to you, don’t ever feel ashamed for hurting.
That’s the one thing I will say to both men & women -- don’t ever let anyone make you feel sorry for hurting over the loss of someone you loved dearly.
2. Accept It --
She is not coming back. He is not coming back. If they did, I fucking hope you wouldn't take them back. Why would you take them back? No, seriously... reflect on this question.
If someone broke up with you, they either... A. Didn't value your worth B. Had their own insecurities they were dealing with C. Felt you had too much shit to work through. D. They didn't share the same feelings
Please remember that the breaker will try to disguise the true reasoning with: "You're seriously so amazing and I don't deserve you..." or "I love you so much, but it just isn't the right time in our lives, if we had only met 5 years down the road... " or "I am not ready to settle down right now..."
Okay, so now that we have waded through the bullshit excuses, let's return to A, B, C & D.
A. If someone didn't value your worth, that's fine, but they can go fuck themselves.
B. If someone has insecurities and needs to get laid by different men or women for validation, that's fine, but they can go fuck themselves.
C. It is possible that you have some shit you need to work through, but you should do that for yourself, not for them.
D. Why the hell would you want to be with someone that doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about them?
This is hands down the shittiest part of getting over a breakup, but it is by far the most important. You have to accept that the person you loved is gone.
3. Give Yourself 10 Minutes a Day to Think About Them --
Just because you have come to acceptance with the fact that the two of you are over, doesn't mean that the pain goes away. While pain is natural, it is important to keep it in check.
Give yourself 10 minutes every day to sit down and think about your ex. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to yell, yell. If you just want to write mean things in your journal about them, write away.
But after those 10 minutes are up, you aren't allowed to let their sorry ass ruin any more of your day. Understood?
What you will find as the days go by, is that these 10 minutes will dwindle down to 8 minutes, then to 5 minutes, until finally thoughts of them take up no part of your day at all.
4. Pull Out Your Phone, Let's Start Blocking --
Instagram. Block. Facebook. Block his ass & his momma's ass too. Twitter. Block her ass & her thirstier than a shark in the desert tweets. Snapchat. His drunk snap stories are gonna piss you off, Block. Her phone number. BLOCK.
Okay, so everyone has their own opinions on blocking exes. I respect that, too each their own. We, unfortunately, live in a world where we have two lives -- reality & social media. If you aren't going to see your ex in real life, why are you interested in seeing them in your digital life?
*drops mic... pen*
5. Unless You're a Blogger, You Shouldn't Be Talking Shit About Your Ex --
Chances are, you're going to be drunk one night out on the patio of a bar somewhere. Your inebriation will lead to mild depression or frustration and you're going to say something really shitty about Douglas or Cynthia.
"Douglas had a nasty neckbeard & smelled like fungus" -- Shut up, you probably sucked on that neck beard more than a handful of times & you slept naked in his hoodies.
"Cynthia gave awful head" -- I bet you still came like a loose cannon in a room full of dynamite.
I apologize for how graphic all that was. It made me uncomfortable typing it, so I can't imagine how you feel right now. Jokes aside, don't talk shit about your ex... remember you once loved them.
6. Run, Don't Eat --
People do one of two things to fix heartbreak, they either run or eat. After a break-up of mine a while back, I laid around in my room for a couple days and sulked. Ate. Jerked off. Watched Netflix. Slept. Not exactly in that order.
By day three, I decided it was time to come out of my lair. I opened the curtains and the bright sunlight burnt pale skin, revealing my dungeon tan.
I looked like an idiot as I waddled around my neighborhood, gasping for air like a maimed platypus. So, I decided to start running at night and it ended up being the most therapeutic activity I ever did for myself.
I started running 10 miles a week, lost 15 pounds and was happy... wait, what the fuck? Happy after a breakup? Yes, it's possible people.
The moral of this story -- run to ease your pain, don't eat.
7. Let's Talk About The Rebound --
We all have that best friend who sucks at relationship advice, yet we still love them regardless. Anyways, this friend may recommend you to "fuck" it out of your system.
Let's all take a moment to appreciate the stupidity in this. The logic is by having sex with a complete stranger, a chemical reaction will take place in your brain and magical pixy dust will float from the heavens, in turn causing you to not feel pain anymore about missing your ex.
I wish a one night stand would patch the massive hole in your chest, it just won't. It will leave you feeling empty, thinking about how good your ex felt naked in the covers as the two of you rocked it out to AC/DC's "Shook Me All Night Long".
8. Work On Yourself --
I have been out of a relationship for a while now and I have so much free time it's unbelievable: I read one book a week, I run at night as Childish Gambino blares in my earbuds, I have started my own freelancing business, I get drunk and do high-kicks with my best friends, I play ukulele in my room with my dog Lucky and I watch so much Office in my boxers whilst eating Honey Nut Cheerios that I might as well be selling Mary Jane.
Life is pretty fucking good.
Take advantage of the massive amounts of time you have being single. Go learn a language, take Karate lessons, build a stronger relationship with your parents, make money, travel and read... constantly read. I can't harp on that enough.
9. Forgive Them --
This is something we haven't talked about yet, but eventually you have to forgive the person that broke your heart. I personally have reached forgiveness and inner peace through meditation, which I highly recommend.
You have to reach a point where you want your ex to do well, to find happiness, to experience success. Feeling anger and sadness towards your ex is normal, but over time it can become toxic to your healing process.
Forgive them, because at the end of the day they are only human. We all have hurt people at one time or another, every single one of us.
10. Tomorrow Tastes Better --
One day, when you least expect it, you're going to fall in love again. It's going to be really slow and wonderful at first, like light acoustic music in a dimly lit coffee shop.
Then before you know it, you will have fallen deeper than you ever have fallen before, and it will be the most beautiful fall of all the falls thus far -- & hopefully the two of you will never hit the ground.
But if you do, well... that's why I am here, that's why I write.