I was sipping coffee, comfortably slouched in a massive leather chair of a Starbuck’s cafe, listening to a damn good podcast rattle away in my tri-colored bose earbuds, when two girls in their latter teen years sat down at a table directly adjacent to me.
When the first girl opened her mouth I found myself immediately annoyed, she had the type of voice that belonged to someone quite intelligent trying desperately to sound less intelligent.
She exclaimed, “I don’t fucking know Debbie, he is just too nice. Ugh… he is just way too nice and it’s boring.” Debbie stared at the screen of her iPhone doing her best to appear as though she was acknowledging her friend's grievances when in reality she was scrolling through various social medias.
The two carried on for a good while, talking, but not actually talking. I eventually increased the volume on my podcast to blare out the spewing of nonsensical bullshit.
But even as my podcast continued on, I was distracted by the girl’s comment, which seemed to loop around in my head ceaselessly, “He is just way too nice and it’s boring.”
I felt myself hurting for the teenage boy on the other end of the girl’s line. It took me back to a painful place in my younger years when I felt I was constantly labeled The Nice Guy. I wanted to track down the kid, throw my arm around his shoulders and say, “Hey, that chick you’re texting has some daddy issues. So, stop fucking with her.”
The girl's words got me thinking about the phrase we have heard time and time again throughout our lives, “Nice guys finish last.” I have always thought the phrase to be bullshit, I think there are other qualities in a guy that causes him to finish last, not kindness. Though, I have never heard strong arguments against the statement we have all grown to accept as true.
Believe it or not, this post is more about life than it is about relationships. And the lessons I will be talking about apply just as closely to women as they do men. Here are 7 qualities in both men and women that cause them to finish last in life, relationships and success. None of which have to do with kindness.
7 habits of Highly Unsuccessful People
1. They Are Entitled
I once heard a guy complain that he had taken a girl out on a lavish date, spending close to $100 for the night and come to find out… she wasn’t interested in going on date #2. I sort of scratched my head thinking, “Dude, should she have jerked you off under the white table cloth in exchange for the expensive steak dinner?”
Both men and women have a major issue with feeling as though good behavior, kindness, and hard work entitles them to something -- love, money, sex a promotion, etc. Treating a woman with respect does not entitle you to her love. Working your ass off does not entitle you to more money. Making it to date #7 does not entitle you to sex. Doing everything your boss asks of you does not entitle you to a promotion.
Highly successful people realize they are not entitled to anything.
2. They Lack Confidence
Both men and women are attracted to confidence. The best example I can give here is Netflix's less attractive modern day James Dean -- Lip Gallagher from Shameless. He is hands down one of the ugliest mother fuckers I have ever seen, but every girl and her sister wants to blow him like a trombone. At first glance, his foul mouth, poor decision making, and drug abuse left me questioning my faith in the female population. But, as I took a closer look I realized what women were attracted to was his high level of confidence.
Men and women have to know they are a great catch. Seriously, I can’t stress this enough. If you don’t believe in yourself, how can you expect others to? You have to not just think you are the shit, you have to know you are the shit. My girlfriend is like the hottest girl on the planet, and I am so lucky to have her, but there is never a time that I question whether or not she is lucky to have me. I am a catch, I am the shit. Though, I will never be as cool as Lip.
Highly successful people radiate confidence.
3. They Are Boring
Here is the deal, nice guys don’t finish last, boring ones do. When that girl with the annoying voice made the statement, “He is just way too nice and it’s boring”, what she was trying to say was “he isn’t interesting.” I think it is important to realize that people like interesting. Look at the fucking social media accounts you follow, are any of them boring? No one likes to see boring tweets, watch boring movies, read boring books and listen to boring music.
You have to be interesting, and you can only achieve interesting when you are striving to be your 100% authentic self. I think people become boring when they try to be someone they are not. In my eyes, that is suicide -- living a life that is not your own.
Highly successful people are interesting people.
4. They Are Passive
Guys think women like “bad boys”, but in reality, women like the attributes that are present in “bad boys”. They like the edginess, the confidence and the aggression. I have found that men we label as “bad boys” tend to be much more apt to go out and get exactly what it is they want. They are more apt to see an attractive girl in a room and strike up a conversation. They know what they want and they are aggressive about getting what it is they want.
I have always admired one of my best friends, Austen Henson, for his tenacity and aggression when it comes to what he wants. He is currently working on developing a dating app for college campuses, and I have no doubt that it will come to fruition. If I stick Austen in a bar and point out the hottest girl in the room, he is leaving with her or her number. He is an edgy dude, but more importantly, he is aggressive. That aggressive decisiveness is what will make him successful in entrepreneurship.
Highly successful people are aggressive.
5. They Play The Game
“The Game” applies to life as much as it does dating. Regardless, we all seem to be more familiar with it in terms of dating. So, that is where I will begin. In my younger years, when I felt I was much less successful when it came to dating, I would partake in all the stupid fucking games so common in the early stages of intimacy. I texted her first the last two times, she can text me first this time. She has been distant lately, I better start being distant too. She took one step forward, I better start playing hard to get.
I don’t play games anymore and I refuse to date girls that play them. Oh, you want to fuck around and see who can care less? I don’t have time for that shit, I have books to read and things to write.
The same can be said in life. I have found that successful people conduct their business on their terms. They don’t accept standards as standards. And they definitely don’t get caught up in all of society's silly expectations. In other words, they don’t play the game. They cut right to the chase.
Highly successful people don't make time for games.
6. They Need to be Liked
Women and men who are attracted to people that blatantly don’t give a shit, living their lives with a fuck the world mentality, have some obvious deeper underlying issues they need to work out. Not caring about anything, not having a cause to fight for and lacking passion is disgusting to me.
With that said, I think not caring about whether or not you are liked is much different. Highly successful people spend their time caring about the right things, their relationships, their business and their well-being. They don’t spend their time caring about trivial matters, like whether or not they are liked.
Highly successful people don’t need to be liked to feel whole.
7. They Play Small
My favorite quote of all time is as follows,
“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone, and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
This is a good close to today’s discussion and something I hope you remember as you tackle the rest of your day.
You started out as a tiny little sperm that raced against 100 million other tiny little sperm to fertilize a single egg.
All of which was made possible because your father and your mother were so ridiculously attracted to one another that the idea of “pulling out” escaped their minds in the moment, and boom… six weeks later in a target bathroom with several pregnancy tests reading positive, it was confirmed -- in a short matter of time you were going to be a whining, screeching baby bear pup ready to take on the entire fucking world and all of its marvelousness.
If you are alive right now and reading this, you survived chicken pox, speeding cars and alcohol poisoning. The very chance you are alive today is in and of itself a miracle. I mean, if you really think about it, the odds were stacked against you.
So, I am begging you to not waste a single breath. Not a single one. I am begging you to never play small in hopes to go unnoticed or to keep others from feeling uncomfortable. I am begging you to play big in whatever you choose to do.
Show the world what you’ve got.
Highly successful people play big all of the time.
Lengthy teenage boy at the other end of this girl's phone at Starbucks -- nice guys don't finish last. So, keep being nice... just add a little interesting, purpose and a dash of confidence and you'll be good to go.
P.S. I think you would have grown tired of her voice anyways.