Part One of The Three Loves Theory: You Dont Put a Wedding Ring on Lust

Cole Schafer Blog

When Helen Fisher wears a black turtleneck sweater accented with a pair of black rimmed glasses and starts talking about love, you listen -- she’s brilliant and resembles a modestly attractive librarian, reminding the onlooker of the ‘kind of’ hot girl in high school that got a whole lot hotter when you realized how smart she was. 

Anyways, none of that is really the point. The reason I bring up Helen and her black rimmed glasses is that she knows an ungodly amount about relationships -- and due to the fact that the majority of 20-somethings, including myself, are relationship-challenged, it’s paramount that we become well-acquainted with Helen and her wisdom. 

Helen Fisher developed The Three Loves Theory years ago and in my humble opinion, it is one of the better relationship models that exists to date. 

Helen did a shit ton of studies on the human brain, taking a hard look at the cognitive and neurobiological processes underlying attraction and love. It was through these studies that Helen was able to map the types of love we as humans experience. 

There are three types of love, hence the name The Three Love Theory -- these being lust, passion and commitment. 

It is so incredibly important to be able to differentiate between these three types of love in your 20’s. You will find yourself and probably already have found yourself in at least two of the Loves I will discuss in this blog series. Understanding and recognizing the type of love you are in, will help you have realistic expectations for where the relationship is heading. 

Alright, grab your cup of coffee and favorite pen, let’s get started. 


I took a large pull from my iced caramel macchiato as my brother’s friend’s cousin, Chuck, was telling me the story of he and his lover, we were seated in a Starbucks and I felt extremely uncomfortable, looking anxiously from side to side. I am still pissed at Chuck for having the audacity to delve into such explicit detail, and at Starbucks of all places. 

Things got extremely awkward when Chuck said the word ‘penis’ and three tables up an older woman that appeared as though she had never missed a bingo night, spit out her pumpkin latte with such ferocity, that you would have sworn someone had actually sat a large throbbing dick on her table. 

Anyways, we were forced to leave, and Chuck had to finish telling me his story in the car. Let’s continue… 

Okay, so Chuck was 20ish and found himself in an incredible relationship, or so he thought at the time. He met this girl at some random party and they had absolutely nothing in common, except for the fact that they wanted to fuck each other every waking moment of the day. 

They never really talked, didn’t really laugh, they just blew each other -- they were in Lust. 

Chuck said things were wonderful for about one month, but everything started going downhill when they ran from the cops one night after attending a house party -- finding sanctuary in a random treehouse in someone’s back yard. 

I am sure you can guess what happened next. Yes, you guessed it… they had sex in the tree house. Can you believe that? As Chuck was telling me this story, I was in complete disbelief. 

All I could think about was the poor kids who loved their wondrous tree house like staunch republicans loves Fox News. A part of me died thinking about those kids coming home to color in their little coloring books after school in their treehouse, completely oblivious to the horrible acts that had taken place in their beloved kingdom, just 24 hours prior. 

I closed my eyes and prayed to God. I prayed to God that Chuck did not pull out. 

Chuck continued. Apparently during he and his lover’s festivities he had gotten 6 or 7 moderate to severe splinters in his ass cheeks -- serves the bastard right. 

Anyways, like any logical individual would do, he asked his significant other to help remove the splinters. She obliged because she was a halfway decent person. 

It took approximately one hour to remove the splinters from Chuck’s ass and it was during this time that Chuck realized he and this chick had absolutely nothing in common. 

You see, it was the first time they were around each other not having sex. After she had removed the last splinter from chuck’s ass, she said exactly what Chuck was thinking, “I think we should break up.”

What we Can Learn from Chuck & his Lover

Here is the deal. We have all been Chuck, and we have all found ourselves in relationships similar to Chuck’s -- insanely attracted to another individual, in Lust. 

Unfortunately, like what Chuck discovered, Lust is simply not enough. Lust doesn’t equal compatibility. Lust doesn’t pay the bills. Lust doesn’t take care of you when you’re sick. 

Lust is not love and it will never be love. 

No matter how hard you try, Lust will never in a million years transform into love. 

In fact, it transforms into the complete opposite. One day, you wake up and you’re sitting next to this person, and the Lust the two of you had once shared, has vanished. 

Why? Because your entire relationship was built off Lust, not Love. And once the foundation of Lust crumbles, so does the relationship. 

If you want to be in Lust, be in Lust. I don’t give a shit. Just don’t be stupid about it. You don’t put a ring on Lust. 

We will continue with the second kind of Love, “Passion”, in a few weeks when I drink more coffee and write Part 2. Right now I am tired and am lacking Passion. So, the last thing I want to do is write about it.

By Cole Schafer