Everyone has found themselves in a toxic relationship at least once in their life.

These cataclysmic cluster-fucks are invaluable in that they teach us how not to love, that way we don’t shit the bed when we eventually find the person we are meant to live out our days with –– if there is such a thing.

(I suppose not all of us get to be Johnny and June.)

Unfortunately, French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte and his wife Joséphine de Beauharnais experienced this “toxicity” for the better part of fifteen years in a terribly tumultuous relationship riddled with infidelity (on both ends), maddening jealousy and enough emotional warfare to kill a shrink.

And fortunately for us nosey eavesdroppers, the pair left behind a series of love letters that read like angsty teenage texts.

10 of the most tumultuous lines from Napoleon Bonaparte’s love letters.

Goodness… how would I sum these up?

I’d say they’re a few notches less crazy than what you’ve heard on Tiger King and about as thought-provoking as the single-lined broetry you’ve read over on LinkedIn.

1. Napoleon on last night’s sex…

“I awake all filled with you. Your image and the intoxicating pleasures of last night, allow my senses no rest...”

2. Napoleon on giving head…

"A kiss on your heart, and one much lower down. Much lower…"

3. Napoleon on hugging his beloved…

“I hope before long to crush you in my arms and cover you with a million kisses burning as though beneath the equator."

4. Napoleon on slut-shaming…

“I don’t love you, not at all; on the contrary I detest you—you’re a naughty, gawky, foolish slut.”

5. Napoleon on not texting back…

“I write you, my beloved one, very often, and you write very little. You are wicked and naughty, very naughty, as much as you are fickle. It is unfaithful so to deceive a poor husband, a tender lover!”

6. Napoleon on caressing a breast…

“How happy I would be if I could assist you at your undressing, the little firm white breast, the adorable face, the hair tied up in a scarf a la creole.”

7. Napoleon on kissing (but not being able to emotionally handle being kissed back)…

“You start at midday: in three hours I shall see you again. Till then, a thousand kisses… but give me none back for they set my blood on fire.”

8. Napoleon on being a stage-five clinger…

“Ever since I left you, I have been sad. I am only happy when by your side. Ceaselessly I recall your kisses, your tears, your enchanting jealousy; and the charms of the incomparable Joséphine keep constantly alight a bright and burning flame in my heart and senses. When, free from every worry, from all business, I shall spend all my moments by your side, to have nothing to do but to love you.”

9. Napoleon on Josephine’s vagina…

“You know well that I have not forgotten the small visits [to your] little black forest.”

10. Napoleon on being a French emperor yet not being able to exist without Josephine…

“Without his Josephine, without the assurance of her love, what is left him upon earth? What can he do?”

Alright, let’s shut the diary.

Napoleon Bonaparte also wrote a romance novel that unsurprisingly flopped. From what little I have read of his love letters, I feel confident saying the love-crazed man was a much better military strategist than a writer.

Though, “little black forest” is good.

He might have been onto something there.

By Cole Schafer.

P.S. If you want to read writings from actual writers, peruse what I’ve curated from Bukowski, Hemingway and various works of fiction.

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